Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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