I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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