my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I could make wine with my vomit
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
