I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
