I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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