Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Quick, to the slutcave!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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