hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
