The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
