Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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