I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
