Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
