More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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