you guys were way drunker than both of me
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
