Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
