Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
