and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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