i'm lost and i look like a hooker
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My vagina just clenched in fear
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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