So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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