the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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