i permit you to call me
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
