very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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