The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Randomize
