Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
