I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My bed smells like the plague
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
