He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
ugly people sure do ruin things
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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