U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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