Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
