whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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