Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
