Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
