The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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