But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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