you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Can I color on your dick again?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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