remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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