a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
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