and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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