He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
