I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
