went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
