If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
