I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
