Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
