We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I fill condoms, not promises.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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