My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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