So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.