Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
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Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow