I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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