Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
