Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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