Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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