I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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