I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
