Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
