id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
